Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
