wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
