I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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