I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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