Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
