If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
