Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
