4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
