I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I intend to get homeless drunk
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Randomize
