omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
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