Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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