can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
