I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
