so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Michael Bay diarrhea
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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