why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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