Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
