So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
