hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
