Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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