I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you made out with another girl for some wings
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
