i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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