Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
