This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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