I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
