I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
the day after is always just damage control
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
