Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
