I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
