By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Randomize
