Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
