Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
