I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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