My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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