I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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