chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I just cut my nipple shaving
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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