proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Sorry my hands just texted you
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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