My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
