my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
