I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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