While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize