I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
