nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
