you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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