two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
