i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
