they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
