wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Randomize
