I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
