Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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