I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
