don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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