the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
