did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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