He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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