shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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