dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Randomize
