I will die if light touches me.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
