yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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