i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
