I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
