her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
The beer is more important than you right now.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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