The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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