i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
