please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize