i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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