You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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