i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
